a newsletter for men who want more

ISSUE 03 |11.22.24

Make Every Calorie Beautiful.

Around this time every year a colleague posts his Thanksgiving Challenge along with a set of tongue-in-cheek guidelines:

Alright people, this is what we’ve been training for. Make every calorie beautiful.

• Don’t waste time eating green stuff unless it’s wrapped in bacon.

• Don’t count calories. To feast occasionally is to declare the supremacy of joy over body image.

• Don’t talk politics, instead talk humanity, love, poetry, dogs, cats in a pinch. Or don’t talk. That’s time you could spend filling your mouth with pie.

• Don’t be a hero. You can’t carry everything you need on one plate.

• Don’t put a salad on your plate. Putting salad on your plate is like putting a pasta maker in your cabinet. You aren’t going to use it. That real estate is too valuable.

• Don’t think about how many steps, miles, etc. each food costs you. Your body can only retain so many calories in a 24 hour period. Once you’ve crossed that line, it’s like meeting your out-of-pocket-maximum. IT. IS. ON.

These are good strategies for your Thanksgiving Challenge, but I’ll add my own philosophy: everything on your plate is a vehicle for gravy. Make it from the turkey drippings or a simple roux in a pinch. Whatever you do, don’t forget the gravy!

Of course we all know that the greater challenge of Thanksgiving is not what’s on the table, but what’s around it. Strained relationships, missing family members, or conflict often crowd our table. The real challenge of Thanksgiving is that it tends to bring up our deepest wounds and unfulfilled longings at a time when we feel expected to be grateful. And expectation rarely produces gratitude.

Cultivating authentic gratitude takes time and practice; it requires perspective to see that every day of life is truly a gift. That’s the gravy that makes even Aunt Debbie’s dressing beautiful.

I can’t help but be reminded of the ancient word for the sacrament of communion in the Christian church. Early Christians called it the Eucharist, which is the Greek word for thanksgiving.

In the Christian imagination, thanksgiving is not something you say, but something you eat; not a formula, but a way of being in the world. It’s a way of seeing ourselves as guests at the table of life, raising a glass to the Generous Host who set the table, and enjoying the gifts we receive.

This issue of The Second Mountain gives us some tips from Priya Parker on how to use pop-up etiquette to make date nights and dinner tables more meaningful (as well as board rooms, team retreats, or any social gathering). There’s also a reminder of the importance of eating together, a recipe for a hot cider (with a dramatic upgrade involving fire and metal), and a reflection to take us deeper.

Whatever your table looks like this year, I hope there is gravy. But even more, I hope you find the time to see and appreciate the gift of life. Perhaps that can make every moment beautiful.

Keep the feast,

Joshua

MARRIAGE & RELATIONSHIPS

Better Date Nights and Dinner Tables.

3 Steps to Turn Everyday Get-togethers into Transformative Gatherings—Priya Parker for TED in 2019.

Best Line: “As a facilitator, you're taught to strip everything away and focus on the interaction between people whereas everyday hosts focus on getting the things right–the food, the flowers, the fish knife–and leave the interaction between people largely to chance.”

Takeaway: Good gatherings often have purpose, heat, and etiquette. What does this have to do with date nights? If the purpose of your date night is to connect, try thinking of some questions you’d like to ask before you get there. Don’t wing it.

Add in some “pop-up etiquette.” For your next date night, create one or two simple rules before you leave the house. Try this: no talking about work or the kids after the food arrives. Or this: no phones allowed unless it’s the sitter.

The insight in Parker’s TED talk can transform the way we host any gathering, even Thanksgiving. Don’t feel the pressure to take it over the top, but think about how you might incorporate some of these ideas to improve social or professional gatherings. If you want more than 10 minutes, her book, The Art of Gathering, is excellent.

FAMILY

The Importance of Eating Together

Essay by Cody C. Delistraty for The Atlantic in 2014.

Best Line: “Her equation for physical and psychological well-being is easy: Eat simply and eat together.”

Takeaway: Shared meals are good for your body and soul. If you’re feeling burnt out at work, schedule a weekly lunch with a friend or coworker. Most importantly, make family meals a priority for your family. Your kids need to see that their dad wants to be there and plays a vital role in hosting, preparing, or cleaning up after the meal. It may have a greater impact on your children than the schools you choose or the sports they play. The time you spend around the table will leave an indelible mark on their childhood memories. A little goes a long way. And as often as you can, make room at your table for others.

I’ve realized that men often don’t have many examples of how to be a host—or a guest—these days. There’s no male version of Martha Stewart or Joanna Gaines to follow, but men still need to have some basic skills to gather people together, make them feel comfortable, bring them into a conversation, and show up in meaningful ways. Stay tuned for more tips and inspiration for hosting, or follow my hospitality project, Host Collective, here.

Mulled Apple Cider

The perfect fall drink for your holiday party.

I recently came across Alton Brown’s Thanksgiving advice: “Make 1-2 dishes and let others bring the rest to share the labor and joy. Serve a medium-boozy punch, with no political talk whatsoever—nothing ruins the day quicker, and skip basting the bird; it just slows things down.”

This Mulled Apple Cider recipe is the perfect hot beverage for the fall season. Make it any level of boozy you want or skip the bourbon altogether if you have a sober guest. Keep it simmering on the stove with garnish and mugs (or insulated cups with lids) nearby. The smell alone is reason enough to make it.

1. Heat unfiltered apple cider in a large stock pot. Whole Foods sells a gallon glass jug that’s perfect for this recipe.

2. Add mulling spices. Some ideas: cinnamon is a must, but you could also add spices like nutmeg, cloves, star anise, cardamom, or even rosemary or orange peel (go easy on the cloves and don’t use anything ground). A sachet or cheesecloth would be great, but they can also float freely if you don’t have either.

3. Add a modest bourbon to your desired level of stiffness. Don’t overdo it—Aunt Debbie is not used to bourbon, so make sure she can drink two mugs before dinner and still drive home.

4. Set out the garnishes. A spring of rosemary, a stick of cinnamon, a slice of orange, or any combination works great.

Leave it to simmer on the lowest setting and put a ladle in the pot for self serving. Or, if you’re the type to add a bit of showmanship and you have access to a fire, try this dramatic mulled cider recipe from Gill Meller using hard cider heated with a hot fire poker! Be warned, Aunt Debbie will never forget it. You’ll be required to repeat it next year. Enjoy!

THE SECOND MOUNTAIN