a newsletter for men who want more

ISSUE 02 |11.15.24

Take the Trip.

Fall came late here in Oklahoma so the leaves are just now starting to turn. Last weekend my family made a spontaneous trip to the lake to be outside and take it all in. We drank hot chocolate on the porch and saw wild geese land on the water, we watched movies and ate popcorn, we fished on a river, and ate ribs and brisket by a waterfall—okay, it was a trickle of water running down the rocky side of a hill, but it was a waterfall to us!

With five kids—yes, five—these weekend trips are not without a lot of fighting and complaining. I have to admit, the people pleaser in me can get trapped in that headspace of wondering why I work so hard and spend so much money if I can’t make everyone happy. It’s not a pretty place to be, but one that I often go to. I have to remind myself that being a father is always an act of faith. We’re all working for the long game, hoping that time will erase the fight over who sat where on the couch and let the good memories last.

Of course, we fathers don’t get to decide which memories stick. It likely won’t be the touching (or expensive) moments we think. The children themselves will likely remember eating quarter pounders in the pouring rain parked between two semi trucks or using walkie-talkies to communicate on the winding ride home, or the three pound catfish my youngest caught. And by "caught” I of course mean “watched” as his dad pulled in a monster from the bottom of the river on his 24 inch Paw Patrol rod. Want to take a guess at who everyone remembers catching that fish? It sure wasn’t me! These good memories are the poetry of childhood.

Memories and trips feature heavily in this issue. A feelings wheel helps us better connect to our emotions and our own, sometimes painful, memories. Hugh O’Neill gives us his retrospective on raising children and encourages us to pack the car. David Lahuta shares his story of learning to open up on a fly-fishing trip with other men. A reflection prompt connects us to our stories.

Whether your journey this fall is figurative or literal, with the family or with other men, take the trip. Someday, you’ll look back and be able to say, “it was worth it.” Oh, and don’t forget the snacks.

All the best,

Joshua

EMOTIONAL FITNESS

Increase Your Emotional Vocabulary

A Feeling Wheel from Calm.

Last week we talked about our need to recognize, understand, manage, and effectively express our emotions in order to grow in emotional intelligence. When it comes to recognizing our feelings, we have a saying, “If you can name it, you can tame it.” Sometimes, we need help with the naming.

With our children, we often start with the primary colors of feelings: are you mad, glad, sad, or scared? That’s not a bad place to start for adults either, but eventually we need to increase our vocabulary. That’s where a list of feelings, or in this case a feelings wheel, can come in handy.

How to Use: If you have a hard time connecting to your feelings or don’t know what to say when your wife asks you how you’re doing, take a look at the feeling wheel. Start at the center and work your way out to be as specific as possible. Once you’ve named what you’re experiencing, bring in some curiosity and ask yourself why you’re feeling this way, or even take it a step further and ask when you’ve felt this way before.

Takeaway: To grow in emotional fitness, increase your emotional vocabulary. It’s okay to use a cheat sheet to name and express what you’re feeling.

FATHERHOOD

Put Up The Hoop Sooner

Essay by Hugh O’Neill, originally appearing in Men’s Health Magazine.

Best Line: “But for me, the appeal of traveling as a team isn’t that it’s broadening, but the exact opposite; it’s sweetly narrowing. Somehow, when you’re lifted out of your normal habitat, dropped into an unfamiliar place where nobody knows who the four of you are, you see your team with fresh eyes. Somehow, after a day at Colonel Wilson’s Reptile Village, with all of you cuddled in two beds in the $39.95-a-night anonymity of motel America, watching some corny movie and eating pizza, you feel bound, not merely by DNA or circumstance, but by the memories you’ve made together.”

Takeaway: So much good inspiration here to help you envision the kind of dad you can be. My takeaways were to prioritize memory making with my kids, whether through trips or inviting them into my world and interests. As the son of a builder, I still associate the smell of the lumber aisle at Home Depot with my father. What will our children associate with us? Hopefully it’s more than the screen of an iPhone. Oh, and the part about spending more time with your kids at bedtime hits hard.

How a Fly-fishing Trip in Montana Helped Me to Open Up

Article by David Lahuta for Condé Nast Traveler. Photo by Joshua Cogan.

Best Line: “And that’s when it hit me: Joel allowed himself to be guided by another man with the expertise, advice, and wisdom to assist him in the moment. Sure, it was to help catch a fish in this beautiful natural setting, but the lesson learned that day was as crystal clear as theYellowstone’s waters. As men, we often don’t allow ourselves the chance to be witnessed, guided, or—more to the point—to have open, honest conversations with other men about what we may be struggling with at any given time. That’s exactly why I’m in Montana.”

Takeaway: Emotions are hard enough for many men, especially when it comes to talking about what we feel. Sometimes the right environment can help us access those places in our hearts. Wide open spaces and meaningful conversations with other men may be just what we need. If you’re interested in hearing about our 2025 Wilderness Story Retreats, join the waiting list here.

THE SECOND MOUNTAIN